My metal head

It's beautiful. It's metal. And admit it, you want one.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m very grateful for it, the metal head. I mean, it works. Or at least, I’m assuming it does. You see the thing is I’m not quite sure what the metal head is supposed to do. I just got the call to get it fitted and I didn’t want to lose my slot.

First things first, it’s surprisingly light. I mean you wouldn’t know it was made of metal. You’d think it was made of plastic or some sort of stiff cardboard. You can barely feel it. Except when you bend down. Then you can feel it in the tension of your neck muscles. But it doesn’t bother me. I mean, it’s pretty light.

The only thing is, I wish you could take it off when you go to sleep. That’s the one downside of having a metal head. The sleeping. At night, I have to toss and turn to get comfortable and I mostly end up sleeping on my back so the metal doesn’t dig in. When it does dig in, it’s quite uncomfortable. Like an ice cream headache but harder, heavier. I suppose it’s no surprise with it being metal. And in any case, I always get to sleep in the end.

When I do, I sometimes dream of the head I used to have. A stupid head. Don’t miss it. The old head was made of weak materials like flesh and bone. It wasn’t any good for anything. A liability, honestly. My new head is so much stronger. I could lie it down on a train track and when the train passed over it would barely cause a dent. I could survive falling masonry. I’ve got somewhere to keep my magnets. I’m quite lucky, honestly. Not everyone gets a head, a big beautiful head, that’s metal.

More people are getting them, though, everyday. I see them in the street and we greet each other with a friendly nod. It feels nice to know I’m not the only one. Not that I felt self-conscious before. But I guess sometimes when I looked in the mirror I’d be taken aback suddenly by the way my head didn’t match my neck. It was hard to find hats to fit. I had to get new shampoo. Well, polish. It’s polish really. But I still get in the bath. Scrub it about. Work up a foam. It’s all about the experience.

So what I’m saying is, you’ve got nothing to fear. Touch it. Feel how it’s cool and smooth on your fingers. You’ll be much happier when you’ve got a metal head like mine. And if as we gently lift the old one from your neck, you feel a twinge of regret, don’t worry that’s normal. The important thing to remember is: it’s metal. A metal head. Think of all the cold shiny brilliant thoughts you could have with it. And if you can’t, it’s only more proof that you need one.

So come and get your fucking metal head or else.”